Explaining My Month Long Absence

I know I've been gone awhile, and I made my return last night. However, I do feel I owe the readers an explanation so here it is:

Well, It's Like This, See...
Santa Clause kidnapped me a week before Christmas because he was behind in productivity. My jail-like cell was near his workshop where he drove me like a slave, forcing me to work almost 20 minutes every day.

When I wasn't at the workshop I could be found sample tasting macaroons, willowcrisps, rosebuds, and slowpokes, safety testing xbox 360's, watching the world Jr. Championships on the big screen HDTV's, or shopping at Walmart. But apart from that, I was in my cell at all times.

The cell was enclosed with steel-enforced candycanes and I was fed only milk and cookies for 4 weeks. I finally made my daring escape by painting a lightbulb red, securing it to a battery pack and tying the whole contraption around my head so the bulb was on my nose. After several futile attempts at using Jedi mind tricks trying to convince the guards that I was in fact Rudolph the red-nosed, wrongfully-deposed reindeer, I repeatedly banged my head against the wall. Oblivious to the pain, I smashed the bulb, causing the tiny shards of glass to make my nose look like it had been inserted into my mom's cuisinart on homemade bread day. This led to the elves transporting me to the North Pole Regional Health Centre (busy place). Following my recovery, they had pity on me and released me after reminding me to be good for goodness sake. Thanks Santa - thanks for ruining Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!